Joey Labuz went down in newspaper lore as the hero of all heroes last year. This year, the Dirty Bird is hoping that after the game, they know what the fuck just happened.[/media-credit]It’s a sad, simple truth in college athletics: Each team’s stars shine brightly then move on to bigger fields.So with a third consecutive softball win and third straight victory in any athletic contest over the Dirty Bird on the line, who will step up for The Badger Herald in the 2011 softball game (ESPNU, 4 p.m.)?Last year’s walkoff winner, Joey Labuz, is in the whore herself, Ann Arbor, mashing grad school exams rather than home runs. Slugging first baseman Sean Kittridge is doing…something else, it is assumed. Diminutive news editor Alex Brousseau was last seen scaling bookshelves in the Law Library, looking completely disheveled.But BH ace Michael Bleach will once again take the Vilas Park mound for the Gentleclowns, intent on striking bitches out with a beer in hand. Shortstop and sports editor Max Henson returns after an offseason training regimen that involved scooping up grounders and firing throws to first base using only his feet.“I just needed to make the game challenging again,” Henson said while juggling knives and filleting a poisonous blowfish. “It’s just the Dirty Bird; I can afford to take some creative liberties.”And like any good organization, there’s more talent coming up in the pipelines. State Editor Andrew Averill has been referred to by scouts as “a pure, natural hitter.” Asked to comment on his talent, Averill stated, “Dude, I don’t even need a bat,” following that up with suggestive gestures toward his crotchal region.Other veteran Gentleclowns will also be called upon to take bigger roles. Following three mysterious months in Slovakia, BH News Editor Carolyn “Just Call Me Ms. Go Nasty” Briggs has returned with a prodigious knack for getting on base, as well as what might be a mental disorder.“I don’t give a fuck. I want to see blood,” Briggs said while gnawing on may have at one point been a squirrel. “We’re going to win. We’re going to win so hard. And they’ll bleed.”Arts Content Editor Sarah Witman will make her BH debut at third base. Witman’s fastball has been clocked at 107 mph, but she’ll keep her Flaming Arm of Legends at the hot corner, in the interest of fairness.It may be early in the season, but already several Gentleclowns who were expected to contribute will watch from the dugout. News Content Editor Addie Blanchard is currently on 13 different kinds of antibiotics and two spyware removers to combat a bout of what might be the Black Death. Deputy Design Director Alex Laedtke is questionable with a case of fishbowl overindulgence. Editor-in-Chief Kevin Bargnes will not be playing either, because, well, he slipped on an icy hill and broke the shit out of his leg.And pending league approval, Editorial Board member Jake Begun has been traded to Houston for a handle of Jack Daniels and a hug.Hoping to engineer the next chapter in Herald athletic dominance, Managing Editor Adam Holt said the Gentleclowns will try out a new defensive alignment, akin to the Ortiz Shift. But instead of moving the infielders over, it involves moving all the outfielders to the edge of the infield so they have a better view of Dirty Birders grounding out weakly to the left side.“It’s more of a mental thing than anything else,” Holt said. “If they actually do still have any self-esteem, this should crush it once and for all.”The deck may already be stacked against the BH, so to speak, as Mayor-elect Paul Soglin will be umpiring the game. The former Mifflin Street Block Party statistic’s daughter is a graphic editor for the Dirty Bird, but sources say league officials will keep close tabs on Soglin, lest they decide to replace him as mayor with that other guy who is essentially the same guy, except younger.The game will finally be waged after hundreds of hours of negotiation that make the NFL labor situation look like a disagreement over how much to tip at Denny’s. The Dirty Bird’s incredible, inflexible insistence the game be held Saturday, April 16 is the object of much scrutiny from league pundits, who wonder if the Dirty Bird is hoping the bleak forecast (40 degrees, rain, with a chance of overbearing sadness) will cause the Herald to simply forfeit.“Every other Friday and Saturday in April and May simply won’t work,” DB editor-in-chief Emma Roller said. “We need to give ourselves some kind of chance, and the scenario where we don’t actually play the game sounds most likely to succeed.”A league source who asked to remain anonymous said the date also marks a rare linear alignment of Earth, Venus and Mercury. This coincides with an ancient Bacchanalian rite, which is said to help those with child-like tolerances for alcohol hold their liquor better than a high school junior who’s never had anything harder than UV Blue, which currently describes the drinking ability of the average Dirty Birder.Sports Illustrated’s “Truth and Rumors” section seems to confirm this, indicating there have been numerous goat sacrifices taking place in the Vilas basement.Meanwhile, the Gentleclowns have been training in a more old-fashioned way. Advertising Director Bree Bunzel has put the BH roster on a strict regimen involving bathing in Everclear and relying on brandy for hydration.“I mean, yeah, there’s the game, but there’s also the drinking part,” Bunzel said. “I assume we’ll be playing flip cup with the Cardinal’s leftover beer, to put the exclamation point on the victory.”Why the Dirty Bird’s beer?“Well, Lord knows we won’t have any left by then.”
Related Articles Share Submit SBC announces digital future for Europe, America, CIS & Africa July 30, 2020 Björn Nilsson: How Triggy is delivering digestible data through pre-set triggers August 28, 2020 StumbleUpon Share Christopher Metcalf, Leon House: Social barriers must be broken on gambling treatment June 25, 2020 What can the sports betting industry do to avert an industry-wide crisis across Europe will be a key theme at this year’s Betting on Sports Europe conference, being held at Stamford Bridge on 2-4 June. The conference will take place against a backdrop of the sports betting industry coming under fire from both politicians and the media, with the criticism causing severe reputational damage and helping to bring about a climate in which more stringent regulation grows ever more likely.While coping with this onslaught it also has to tackle sporting integrity breaches, urgent player protection issues, such as improving help for problem gamblers and stricter management of VIP programmes, and serious operational problems, including how to succeed within new advertising restrictions and finding banks prepared to work with gambling businesses.There is also a real need for operators to share best practice, develop solutions that help both the industry and its customers, and to speak with a unified voice when responding to plans to amend legislation.Betting on Sports Europe is the ideal forum for the regulated industry to come together as a community and work towards creating a sustainable, customer-focused model for a sector that employs huge numbers of people and generates hundreds of millions in tax revenues across the continent. With tracks dedicated to lotteries, esports, sports integrity, industry leadership, horse racing, football, payments & compliance and responsible marketing, the conference addresses many of the crucial challenges the betting industry faces, as well as a CEO panel examining how operators can work together to drive improvements. Andrew McCarron, Managing Director of event organiser SBC, said: “The European sports betting industry is faced with a perfect storm of intense government scrutiny, sustained media criticism and rising levels of competition, while some self-inflicted wounds have exacerbated the situation.“And over the past few years the industry has not been very effective at standing up for itself and responding to the barrage of negative publicity, or at sharing the best practice that many operators have developed individually in response to past errors.“Betting on Sports Europe will help to change that, providing a forum for operators to discuss the major threats to the future of sports betting, to share their solutions, and to strengthen relationships across the industry in preparation for the likely regulatory challenges ahead.”Taking place at Chelsea FC’s Stamford Bridge stadium on 2-4 June 2020, Betting on Sports Europe features ten full-day content tracks with insights from more than 200 expert speakers from across the European sports betting industry.Delegates can also look forward to an exhibition showcasing the latest innovations from 30 leading suppliers and some of SBC’s renowned evening networking events, all of which are included with your pass.
Dallas Keuchel is believed open to the right 1-year deal, then resetting. One under the radar team: maybe Milwaukee, which has been linked to Kimbrel and has been willing to give up draft choice at times (ie Grandal, Lohse). Phillies, Padres, Astros are among other possibilities.— Jon Heyman (@JonHeyman) April 18, 2019MORE: Watch ‘ChangeUp,’ a new MLB live whiparound show on DAZNIf he were to sign that type of deal, he would do so planning to hit the open market again in 2020. Teams that may have interest include the Brewers, Phillies, Padres and Astros.The Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, though, notes with the Brewers, the team would have to give up a third draft pick this season if it were to sign Keuchel to any kind of deal, which could eliminate them from the running.For #Brewers, it would be surrendering a third draft choice in 2019. Traded Competitive Balance Round A pick for Alex Claudio and forfeited third-rounder for signing Yasmani Grandal. https://t.co/Wez4D3ZjCT— Tom (@Haudricourt) April 18, 2019It should also be noted that Brewers general manager David Stears was the assistant general manager with the Astros in 2012 when Keuchel made his MLB debut, so he has a history with the lefty.Keuchel reportedly turned down a five-year, $90 million deal with the Astros in 2016 and changed agents in 2017 to Scott Boras.Boras is famous for having his clients go to the free-agent market to start a bidding war for his players. He did that with Bryce Harper this year and also with Eric Hosmer and J.D. Martinez in 2018.For Keuchel, it hasn’t worked out as he remains a free agent three weeks into the season.Keuchel told Houston Station Fox26 in February he wasn’t hitting the panic button and was just focused on getting himself ready for the season. Dallas Keuchel went into this offseason looking for a long-term deal, but that contract appears not to be in the cards for the Cy Young winner.The former Astros starting pitcher is now open to one-year deals at the right price, according to Fancred Sports. “I’m calm and collected outside the field,” Keuchel said. “I don’t really hit the panic button at all. I’m worried about getting myself ready and up to speed. I feel like I’m ahead of schedule compared to the last few years.”At the same time, I’d like to get out there and meet new teammates or meet old teammates. When that time comes, it’ll be nice.”
– Robert Gilbert Van Nuys The iron law Re: “Our so-called life” (March 22): When was the law of supply and demand repealed? If the population increases and jobs do not increase to keep pace, wages go down. If the population increases and the availability of housing does not increase, the cost of housing goes up. If employers who offer high paying jobs leave, the average wage goes down. – John Reynolds Canoga Park Brand A is Brand B Re: “Recall has worried pet owners rushing to vets” (March 12): Well, seems even dogs can’t trust the labels. The recent Menu Foods’ recall showed that despite over 60 different labels the dog food is manufactured at the same place. Walmart dog food is the same as Science Diet, I guess. Luckily, not many of the millions of pets were adversely effected by the new gluten ingredient. The recall does make you wonder as to human food, though. Are all soups really made by Campbells? Are all cereals made by General Foods? If it is all the same, why do we pay more? Apples are apples, right? These revelations make it clear that what is Brand A is also Brand B, whether it is dog food or human food. Of course, our animals won’t know the difference between one brand and another, but will we have to learn some new tricks. – Leigh Datzker Woodland Hills No, Virginia, there … Re: “Iconic holiday parade canceled” (March 23): What makes the cancellation of the annual holiday event a particular shame is not only its unfortunate timing: now that Hollywood is upscaling with all those million-dollar condos under construction around Hollywood and Vine. The real problem is that it gives the fundamentalists ammunition in their charge that wicked, secularist Hollywood has declared “war” on Christmas. (Maybe the Christians would be willing to underwrite a new parade, replacing Santa with a manger scene featuring Stephanie Edwards and Bob Eubanks as Mary and Joseph.) Bah humbug, Hollywood Chamber of Commerce. And we thought Santa’s Village closing several years ago was bad enough. – Kevin Dawson Tujunga Not-so-hidden agenda Re: “Apartment planner trying to build case” (March 21): What a smoke screen. Another huge multi-family project is planned for Warner Center. Yet our city officials are only concerned about “affordable rents” and imposes this as a means to mitigate traffic. Please, don’t insult our intelligence. Oh, and they also want a $1 million traffic fee. That will work. What a joke. The only way to mitigate our ever-worsening traffic congestion is to stop development. And no one seems to be worrying about our dwindling water supplies. We are all going to be out of water and out of driving space. We are being sold down the dry L.A. River by our tax revenue hungry politicos with their not-so-hidden agendas. – Bill Hamburg Woodland Hills Integrity? Re: “Police union tries sticking us up again” (Their Opinions, March 20): Bernard Parks said, “only 15 percent of the officers live and can vote in the City of Los Angeles.” That’s not a requirement of an officer. Parks suggests the city should use Reagan’s playbook and fire officers who don’t sign the financial disclosure. Good luck. There isn’t an agency in the world that would turn away 600 LAPD-trained gang or narcotics officers. Parks transgressions: excluded then D.A. Garcetti’s office from Rampart investigation material, refused to meet Connie Rice and the Rampart Review Panel. Try to remember, Bernie, “Integrity In All We Say and Do.” – Jeff Lovick Hawthorne Marijuana issues Personally, I don’t believe in drug use. It But there comes a time to face facts. Marijuana is not going away. Rumor has it that marijuana is the number one crop in the USA. It goes by unchecked and untaxed. Who’s paying for all the rehab people need? Maybe we should legalize Marijuana and tax it the same way we tax cigarettes and liquor. – Michael Riboloff Reseda Anything but Paris Say it isn’t so! The Daily News has apparently joined the ranks of The Globe, Star, and the other trash papers with a front page photo of the queen of vapidity, and a large one at that. There must be someone who has actually accomplished something in life that is more deserving. How about Karl Rove, or the porn queen who is relegated to the back pages. Please, anything but Paris Hilton. – Mike Belson Studio City Do as I say I would have more confidence in what Al Gore has to say about the environment if he practiced what he preached. Gore wants us all to ride our bikes and drive hybrids, but according to your article yesterday, Mr. Gore left the Washington hotel where he addressed an audience on the perils of global warming, in a Lincoln Town Car, which gets about nine miles to the gallon. Gore also owns more than one home, and his home in Tennessee has twenty rooms and nine bathrooms. I think he has a political agenda, and likes to dictate to others what he won’t do himself. – Marsha Roseman Van Nuys Such a deal Wow, what a deal! President Bush offered to let White House officials testify privately, provided they can lie and later deny what they said – i.e., no oath or transcripts. – Ernst F. Ghermann Winnetka Snow job Has anyone noticed the deft dancing around the subject that Tony Snow has shown his former press associates on the refusal to allow White House associates to testify? It is a truly professional “Snow-job.” – Hal Rattner Santa Clarita Scheduling conflict? Tell me why, oh why did the street cleaning crew changed their cleaning date to Tuesdays? That’s our trash pick-up day. – Joy Stovall Woodland Hills Studio City Stop preaching Re: “Mayor’s dropout plan only looks new” (March 22): Maybe our mayor should add these to his nine: Stop preaching “you have to go to college to be successful.” Hold the teachers and instructors to the same standards he proposes for the principals and administrators. Bring back the shop classes, Auto, Machine, Electrical and Woodworking. There are many students who would never have the grades for college who could be trained to fill jobs in these fields. The public is tired of paying for shoddy work, performed by unqualified workers who work under a Contractors License. Re: “Boycott LAX-area hotels” (March 23): I have to keep pinching myself to see if I’m dreaming, do we live in socialist times? Is the government telling private business what to pay their workers? Is the government actively trying to re-direct business away from those who don’t follow their commands? This is the City Council you people voted for – this pathetic legislative body, the highest paid elected officials in the Country. There is so much wrong with this system, its hard to start but suffice it to say, we can’t roll over on this – this new wave of socialism led by Eric Garcetti needs to be stopped. – Kim Greene
Celebrity Big Brother: Courtney Act becomes the first star nominated for eviction this weekCelebrity Big Brother: Andrew Brady was saved from eviction and fans were delightedCourtney Act won Celebrity Big Brother and fans are so happy about itPINK NEWS- Controversial former Celebrity Big Brother contestant India Willoughby has claimed that she was ‘played’ during her time on the show.Taking to Twitter on Saturday evening, the trans broadcaster said that after watching the episodes, part of the story of her time in the house was missing. In the tweet, India alleged that she had been manipulated and plans to discuss the show and ‘name names’ on Monday.This tweet contradicts her original stance after becoming the first celebrity evicted from the Big Brother house.Reflecting on her performance in her first interview after her eviction Friday, India said that she caused issues for herself during her time in the house.She said: “I was fatally wounded in terms of the game of Big Brother. I don’t really feel I did myself justice. Did I give my best show? No.“I should have come in and kept my gob shut, but it’s pointless, I got it wrong and I know that.”However, with this new tweet and the claims of a ‘master manipulator,’ many viewers of the show are now speculating about who India will name and shame on Monday. Viewers also had mixed reactions to India’s claim that she was ‘played’ during her time in the house.One CBB viewer wrote: “You admitted you played it wrong. If you’re after raising your profile have a bit of grace.”However, other viewers were more supportive of the broadcaster, with another viewer tweeting: “I can’t wait India.”India caused significant controversy during her time in the CBB house, including saying that genderfluid people ‘cheapen’ transgender struggle and comparing drag to blackface.During her first interviews, the self-titled Big Brother ‘superfan’ said that her tactics for the show had failed her early on.“I think I peeved them off on the night they came in with the question about gender and love. My tactics were all over the place,” she said.“I was psyched up to mix it a little bit. Cause confrontations. I wanted to have fun and cause a bit of mischief. It just didn’t go down very well.”India became known to TV viewers as a presenter of Loose Women, where she shot to fame with her opinionated commentary on the show.Share this:TwitterFacebookLike this:Like Loading… eTN Chatroom for Readers (join us)